You Know You're a Coloradan

Jeff Foxworthy on Colorado. (And my comments on his comments)

You are a Coloradan if .............

1. You switch from 'Heat' to 'A/C' in one day. It happens.

2. You know what the 'Peoples Republic of Boulder' means. Boulder is one of the most beautiful, but liberal cities on the planet!

3. Your sense of direction is: towards the mountains and away from the mountains. Well, yes, of course. But living on the Eastern Slope vs. the Western Slope took some getting used to, because if you're on the Denver side, the mountains are to the west, and if you're in the Montrose area, where we just moved from, the San Juan range is to the south. So, we are now really directionally challenged.

(This range of mountains in Ouray, CO, actually lies to the east!)

4. You're a meat-eating vegetarian. I guess that's what we are.

5. The bike on your car is worth more than your car and you have your own special bike lane. Not us, but many!

6. You're able to drive 65 miles per hour through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without even flinching. Well, I definitely flinch!

7. You take your out-of-town guests to Casa Bonita even though you would never go there otherwise. This is so true! (Casa Bonita is a HUGE Mexican restaurant with a waterfall and divers and very mediocre food)

8. You think your major food groups are granola bars, tofu and Fat Tire Beer. Well, I don't know about the tofu and granola, but I like Fat Tire.

9. You design your kid's Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit. Common practice, indeed.

10. You think that sexy lingerie is wool socks and flannel PJs. Isn't it?

11. You know all 4 seasons 'almost winter, winter, still winter and spring blizzards. Well... This is humorous, but Colorado really does have four definite seasons. Our springs and autumns are glorious and our summers are wonderful because it always cools down at nighttime.

12. You've been tear gassed in a riot to celebrate a CU/CSU victory. Not me, personally. but, I almost got kicked out of a DU Hockey game once.

13. You can never figure out why your out-of-town guests faint from altitude sickness on a picnic to the mountains. We know why it is.

14. You can drive over a 12,000-foot pass in 4 feet of snow, but can't get to work if there are 4 inches of snow. We don't blink at 4 inches of snow, actually... The snow plows and sand trucks make it a non-issue before rush hour in most cases.

15. You know the 'correct' pronunciation of Buena Vista. Well, that is still a topic of debate...

16. When you visit friends at sea level, you can drink a case of beer and not get a buzz. True!

17. Your car insurance costs more than your car. Doesn't everybody's?

18. You have surge protectors on every outlet. Yep.

19. April showers bring May blizzards. Yep.

20. 'Timberline' is someplace you have actually been. Many times.

21. You know what a 'Chinook' is. Yep. Lovely thing, a chinook.

22. You know what a 'Rocky Mountain Oyster' is. Ewwwww... Yes, I do.

23. You know what a 'fourteener' is. Uh huh. But, I don't climb 'em, just enjoy looking at 'em.

24. .But you don't know what a 'turn signal' is. Now, I take exception to this! A real Coloradan is a considerate driver! It's those dang California transplants that run the stoplights, don't use their blinkers, and don't let you into traffic! We KNOW it's Californians!

25. A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you nearly as much as a Democrat in Congress does. Amen to that!

26. Your golf bag has a 9-iron, a 3-wood and a lightning rod. True, true.

27. People from out of state breathe 5 times as often as you do. They do, they do. And, though we may have better lung power ourselves at low altitudes, we faint from the humidity!

28. Having a Senator named Nighthorse doesn't seem strange. No, of course not. At least not after he switched to the right party.

29. Thunder has set off your car alarm. It happens.
30. You have an $800 stereo in your $300 truck. Well, I don't, but I have a son who used to be guilty of that!

31. You think a red light means 3 more cars can go. As I told you, that's the Californians!

32. Where we're going, we don't need roads! True! We love off-roading.

And there's no road to here...

or here...

or here...

(All three of these pictures taken in the back country last summer, somewhere between Telluride and Silverton, Colorado)

33. You know where the real 'South Park' is. Do, indeed! And the people there are not snotty, crude, obnoxious cartoon characters.

34. You can recognize the license plates of all 50 states on sight. It's a game we play when we go places. Lots of tourism here.

35. Driving directions usually include 'Go over_________ Pass.' This is true. Vail Pass and I have a personal relationship.

36. You've checked for ticks. Don't you do this anywhere there are woods?

37. You've dressed in shorts, sandals, and a parka with a hood. Well, not me, but you see it all the time. Usually males, between the ages of about 15 and 35. And I'll just bite my tongue and not say why I think this is.

38. You've gone snow skiing in July and......... They do that on the glaciers, yes. And we have had snow in July.

39. You've played golf in January and....... Oh, Yeah. My husband and father-in-law have often. The last two winters have been particularly cold and snowy (so much for global warming, eh?), and my father-in-law said, "The heck with this" and has taken his clubs back to southern California with him.

40. They were in the same year! It's conceivable.

41. You've urinated on the Continental Divide just so it could run into both oceans. Well, not actually, but the theory is that it would work if you did. Don't tell my sons about this particular method of testing the theory, though, or I can see them making weekend roadtrip out of it and calling it science.

42. You know what a down slope and an up slope weather pattern is. Yeah. Esp. 'upslope' which means, "Look out!"

43. And the most important: You get a certain feeling of satisfaction from knowing that California and Texas are both down stream. Now, well, I don't have anything against the inhabitants of either of those great states, but it is true, that there are indiscriminately large numbers of CA and TX license plates here, so they're easy scapegoats...

44. You actually understand these jokes and send them to your Colorado friends. And to anyone else who's interested in some Colorado idiosyncracies.