Whadda Ya Expect?

As "promised" -- or warned -- last Sunday, this is loooooong....  And I almost didn't post it, because it is so very lengthy, but also because I really worry that it will come off sounding preachy, or like I think I've got it all figured out.  Gosh, I hope anyone reading this who knows me knows I'm not that way.  And anyone who doesn't know me, please understand that I just really want to pass along a few things we've managed to pick up along the way.  Most of this is just good common sense we've learned from other experienced parents or wise Religious through the years, and much of this is information most parents already know... But I thought it would be useful to write it all down, for the sake of my own dwindling brain cells, and in the chance that there may be something here of use to someone else who might need it.  Please take what you like, and ignore the rest, or skip the whole long thing and come back tomorrow when I post something short and fluffy, if you like.  But, for those who may be interested, here we go:


Continuing with the question: What do you expect from your children during Mass?
It's a question I think all Catholic parents wrestle with, one we've been fine-tuning for a long time.  Right now we're instructing our eighth First Communicant (Anna) and have two toddlers after her waiting their turns.  Also, before I married, I taught preschool, and 1st through 3rd grades at a Catholic school, so I've taught scads of preschool through First Holy Communion age children.  Some were sweethearts, some were stinkers, most were a little of both.  But, unique as all children are, no matter the situation, one thing's always true: They're all capable of living up to high expectations.  As long as the expectations are reasonable and they are taught patiently.

Patiently, meaning, we don't expect them to learn overnight. Patiently, meaning we retain our composure and teach with love no matter how we're provoked.  The more uptight we are about anything we're trying to teach, the more uptight the children will be.  And the more uptightight everyone is, the less real learning takes place.  (What the kids learn in these situations -- at best -- is to obey out of fear, and that's never the best way.)

So, what's reasonable?  In my mind, reasonable expectation means not requiring more than the mental or physical ability of a child can muster.  But, don't sell your kids short!  This amounts to more than many folks realize.  It's amazing how much the smallest children can muster, if we expect greatness from them -- and if we teach them to expect it of themselves. 

One thing's for sure, though: if we don't require our children to behave properly, they won't.  If we don't teach them, they can't. 

So, how should we teach them to behave in Mass?  What should we expect?
Certainly, all children are different (some mature a bit more quickly than others; some are thinkers, some are doers; some just have longer attention spans than others), but there are benchmarks that most children should be able to meet, in the broad sense, and specifically as it relates to their behavior in Mass.

First of all, I think we all recognize the "age of reason" as the growing up season, with the reception of First Holy Communion as the concrete dividing line where Church-time behavior is concerned.  I believe that, by the time children reach this age, usually around the ages of six or seven (barring ADD or the like), they are more than capable of sitting still for an hour in Mass, give or take. But, if a child is three years old, we can't expect him to behave perfectly in Mass yet.  Hopefully, he's on his way, but the learning curve can be long sometimes...  For this reason, we don't take our toddlers to movie theaters or formal affairs where they would likely embarass us. In fact, if we have the option of "trading off " Masses, we don't take our toddlers with us to Mass, either.  But when we do take them, we expect our Littles to have learned to at least be quiet in church by the time they're two-and-a-half to three years old.

How, you say?   Well...

Mom and Dad Have to be Trained First
Starting when they're infants we never, ever allow our children to be noisy in the church proper.  This is not a discipline we expect of the baby, mind you, but of ourselves.  If our wee ones start to make a peep, we take them out immediately -- or sooner.  It may seem that three-week-olds are too young to teach, but let me tell you, they're not too young to learn.  When we allow an infant to cry, fuss, wiggle, crawl, etc in church, why shouldn't she assume that's acceptable behavior?  Over time it sinks in: Churchtime is the same as hometime -- with pews.  Not a good precedent to set.  At some point, we're going to have to break a noise or wiggle habit we've allowed to get started -- and it's easier to prevent than to stop it once it's started. 

We also never let our little one's fannies touch the pew, or their feet touch the floor (or kneeler) until we know that when put down they can be trusted to be relatively still and face forward in the pew.  I think most of us have had stare-downs with toddlers in the pews in front of us.  Just a little distracting.  And another bad habit that will have to be broken sooner or later.

Most of our kids have learned to be still and face forward, with very little problem by the time they're three, but we've had a couple of ringers.  There's always at least one in the crowd, and for us, it's been our two kinesthetic learners, Dominic and William, our "on the go" boys. These kinds of children are more of a challenge to train to be still, but it's all the more important to take the time and trouble to do it. Because we couldn't put them down without pandemonium, Dan and I had to hold both of the little chunks all the way through Mass fifty-two weeks a year, plus Holy Days, until they were around three years old.  Stubborn little guys.  But Mom and Dad were more stubborn.  Ha!  (You should see the muscles in my arms from holding toddlers that I couldn't trust to put down!)

Some things we've learned about the infant - toddler stage Mass training: 

* Never allow a wiggleworm to sit next to a sibling who is a temptation.  This seems like an obvious caution, but you might be surprised how many times in a big family, the shuffle gets wrong as we file into the pew, and Mama doesn't notice until there's a donnybrook at the far end.  (And then it's really my head that needs to be rolled...)

* Provide something quiet for an infant to teeth on, or for a toddler to hold -- a small picture missal or saints' book is ideal.  Until a child is three or four years old, we allow them to bring their blankies in, as well.  They're quiet and comforting and not a distraction to anyone around them.

* As a toddler matures, usually before age four, she can be expected to start learning how to fold her hands properly through Mass.  Our rule is that, unless the children are holding a missal (or other prayer book of some kind), their hands should be properly folded.  This is a wonderful discipline for children, especially future altar servers, but it also keeps them from fidgeting, and making noise and distraction. (They generally choose to hold their missals, which is exactly what we want them to do...)

* If all the children are required to visit the restroom before Mass begins (which means Mom and Dad have a duty to get them to Church in time to take care of this detail), noone can use that excuse for leaving Mass.  No child under seven in our family is excused from this mandatory visit, and no child is allowed to leave Mass because they say they need to use the restroom.  If they can sit through a two hour movie without going to the bathroom, they can last through Mass, as well.

* Always, always, always feed the pre-Communion children before coming to Mass.  I cannot stress this enough.  There is no reason to expect small children to fast before Mass, and everyone around them will have to pay for their crankiness if they're hungry.  (We prepare small baggies of dry cereal ahead of time -- the lower sugar variety -- so the Littles can eat them on the go, while everyone else is dressing, or in the car on the way to Mass.)

* On the other hand, never, never, never allow children to eat in the church (except for baby bottles).  This sets up a precedent you will eventually have to break, it litters the church, and is a distraction to everyone around you -- especially other small children.  If a small child has been fed before coming to Mass, he can and should be quietly distracted when necessary with something besides food.  Or he can be brought out.

Now, you might have noticed (and you might have lived the fact), that many of us parents spend a lot of time in the vestibule or cry room.  I often feel like I've logged more time outside the church than inside the church during Mass over the last twenty-two years! You may want to speak to your own parish priest about it, but I've been assured that I've fulfilled my Sunday obligation from the cry room. My leaving in order to allow others to assist at Mass without distraction more than makes up for the amount of time I might have spent in the church, also distracted by my crying child.


By the time they're walking and talking...
With our encouragement, and, as the years go by, the encouragement of their older siblings,
Mass day is a day the children all look forward to. The Littles want to know when they get to go to Jesus' House (Gabe is always asking,"When is Church day?), and the older children are all talk about what Mass the choir will be singing for the season or feast. And I want to be clear that this isn't an accident of geneological piety; I don't want to sound like I'm bragging here. Our kids can act out with the best of them! There are days when I'd like to give the whole gang of them to the next passing caravan of gypsies. (Bless their hearts...) But, over time, they do learn that Jesus' House is not the place to try their luck. They come to understand with their hearts and heads the sacrifice of love at which they're assisting. It's bad enough to displease Mom and Dad, but it's humiliating to displease Our Lord -- there present in the tabernacle.

How we help the love along...

All human beings understand and respond to affection, and the best way for a child to understand the abstract notion of God's Love is to receive it through the gentle hands of his parents. Children love to be where love is, and it's up to us to make sure our children make this association with their Faith, particularly through the Mass. Mass time should be a happy time.  Like I already mentioned,  we never allow crying or whining in the Church, because we don't want it  to be a conditioned response every time we walk in the church building. On the other hand, though, we do everything we can to promote "warm fuzzies" while we're there.  Throughout the Mass, we give subtle winks of encouragement and hugs, or a small thumbs-up if a child is staying on the right page in their missal. If we ever need to correct the children, it's with a smile and a pat. It's only the most egregious and purposeful misbehaviour that is punished -- and then, that's done away from the church, so that no bad associations can be made subliminally.  And, then there are doughnuts.  The children know that doughnuts or some other treat awaits the well-behaved child after Mass is over.  Sometimes, I think this is really the only reason the children behave.  It's all about the sugar.  But, hey, it contributes to the "warm fuzzy" memories, and you know about bribery -- it works. 

Beyond Toddlers
Once we've laid a good foundation with our infants and toddlers, training our First Communicants has never been much trouble.  The hard work has already been done.  Every year, we spend time going over the Mass with all of the children during our school day so the smallest grow up learning the importance of the Holy Sacrifice.  When we begin our formal First Communion Catechism, we explain abstractly and physically what reverence and courtesy mean during Mass. 

Here is a little exercise to play out every so often for the benefit of all the children, toddlers and up:

Get a child conspirator (usually the hammiest one you've got) and have him act out "good child/ bad child" scenarios.
 

Set up:  Fancy up a chair for a pretend throne for the first lesson, then, if you have a free-standing kneeler and a chair, set up a mini pew for your second demonstration.  (Alternatively, two chairs, one in front of the other, with a pillow on the floor betwen works fine.)  First, you're going to play out the Queen of England routine:  Explain ahead of time what protocol is in the English court.  You could even make it a mini-school unit, if you wanted. (Go here  for some specifics on royalty courtesy.)   Teach the girls how to curtsy and the boys to bow. 

What next: You get to be the queen of course (unless someone else is an obvious choice!), you choose a royal guard (Dad is really the best for this job, but an older brother works well, too), and you set up the secret "lout" (Your ham...).  When everything's ready, and everyone knows the protocol, the queen gets to process regally into the room. The children behave appropriately.  Except for the lout.  And the Royal Guard escorts him out, while everyone else gets to either be knighted or given a royal petit four (or somesuch).    

Next comes a talk about how the queen of England expects and deserves certain respect here upon earth.  Most would never dream of misbehaving if they were invited to visit the queen.  We would not chew gum; we would not slouch in our chairs; we would not talk to someone else while she was speaking; we would not play with our cell phones or i-pods.  We would sit up straight and face where the queen was sitting; we would use our best English, speak when we were spoken to,  we would be clean and tidy; we would smell nice, and we would wear the nicest clothes we own.  All this, and Queen Elizabeth is a mere woman.  

You know, of course, where this is going. 

(Mad Little Boy illustration, below, by Maurice Sendak)

Our next scene, we place before the crucifix, and/or a facsimile altar, if we can arrange one, with our little "chair-pew" set up before it.  Everyone watches while our ham exhibits all the wrong postures.  (If your ham is creative and observant, he won't need to be prepped for this... but you can get with him or her ahead of time and script it if it makes you feel more comfortable.)  Once your ham is in place in the pew, and everyone is sitting behind watching,  Mom says, "Should Johnny or Jenny Q. Public  sit like this? (Our ham slouches).  Everyone says "No! How Rude!" and expresses other noises of disapproval.  "Should we sit like this?" Mom says. (And our ham hangs his armpits over the pew).  Everyone shouts, "No! How Rude!"  "How about like this?" (and our ham turns all the way around, staring at those of us behind him...) Everyone responds as before...  You get the idea.  Then, we have our ham exhibit the proper way to sit, stand, and kneel through Mass, followed by our praise. We connect the "courtesies" of court with the greater reverence we owe to Our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament.  Our genuflection is akin to a curtsy or bow, and our proper posture, dress and decorum are the very least we owe Our Lord when we visit Him in His earthly home.    Properly, the discussion ends with a prayer uniting our prayers to all the Masses being offered in the world.  This kind of visual, interactive lesson sticks with children, and the more fun we make it, the better they'll remember it. 

Some of our favorite resources to teach the children to understand and appreciate the Mass:
* Know Your Mass: An illustrated manual of instruction on the Traditional Mass in Latin for Catholics young and old.
* The Mass Explained to Children by Maria Montessori
* The Weight of a Mass; A Tale of Faith, by Josephine Nobisso
* Manners in God's House: First Prayers and First Missal

Daily Preparation

We prepare for Mass all through the week by following the daily feasts, and keeping current with the seasons of the Liturgical year.  After every set of prayers, morning prayers, prayers at mealtime, and evening prayers, we ask the benediction of the saint of the day, for example.  So, today (November 15th), we will end our prayers with: St. Albert the Great, pray for us.  This is an immediate connection with the Mass of the day, even when we cannot attend (which is most of the time, because we don't have access to daily Mass where we live.) It's good, during the week, to say things like, "This morning, we get to read about St. Albert the Great!" and, "Isn't it wonderful? Two more days until we get to go to Mass!" Words mean things and children readily pick up on their subtle implications.   During Advent we add special prayers every day, as well as during Lent and on Ember Days, and, when we can, we liven up our studies with crafts and projects that mirror the season and reinforce their meanings in our spiritual lives.  It's our goal to try and make our home a "Church in Miniature," but also a place where playing, praying and learning go hand in hand. 

We expect a lot of our children's behavior in church, and outside of it, and we spend a lot of time drilling exactly what we expect -- and why. Courtesy and respect are so much a focus of our day-to-day lives that, by the time the children have reached the age of reason, they've heard it all a thousand times, and they're probably sick of it, but, whether they like it or not, it's started to sink into the fiber of their beings.  They learn to expect good behaviour of themselves.  They're embarassed when they slip up, and scandalized when they see others behaving badly. The older they get, the more conscientious they become. (Yes, even the teenagers!)

What we expect, in a nutshell:
* That we will be spening a lot of time outside the church proper until the baby learns to be quiet and calm.
* By the age of 3, the children should know to be quiet and fairly still.
* By the time they're good and potty-trained (usually by 3 1/2 to 4 at the latest), they should not leave the pew for any reason other than sickness (or in the case that they need to be reprimanded).

* By 5, they should be able to fold their hands through Mass or quietly hold their children's missal, and try to follow, using the pictures. Reminding will usually be necessary at this age, but it shouldn't be met with resistance.
* By 6, they should not need to be reminded to follow their missals or to reverently participate in the rubrics along with the congregation.
* By 7, they should be able to follow the Mass in a simple missal, and should be relatively recollected.  If their minds wander, they should obediently refocus attention when reminded by Mom or Dad.

* By 10, they should no longer need to be reminded, but should be engaged throughout the Mass. They should know how to find and follow the daily prayers in their missals and should understand what's going on.  By this age, the little boys in our family have already studied to become acolytes, and our girls are joining the choir.

Ultimately, it's all about expectations

Children love to be in a place where they are loved.  They have an instinct to please and  can learn to respond to the most subtle of clues and teachings. But it requires diligence on our part to train them to behave appropriately to the proper cues.  They need to have a clear understanding of what we expect of them in Mass, and we need to help them develop a high expectation of themselves.  How we train our children in their daily routines will largely determine their aptitude and willingness to cooperate with us in this.  It's important that we build and hone our expectations throughout the week, not just spring them on the children on Sunday morning.   The more pleasant we make our children's experience with their Faith, the more lasting will be the result of our labor.    If a child's time spent at Mass is consistently filled with conflict and frowns and warnings, he's not likely to associate Mass with good things, or God with Love -- His or theirs or yours. On the contrary, he learns to expect a rotten time at Church, and he's likely to be rotten, too.  Thankfully, we have the tools as parents to prevent this, and the younger we start the better -- for their good, and ours, too. 

Our children are the dearest gifts that God gives us; and  He expects great things of us on their behalf.  We get to show Him our best work when we can face Him truly present on the altar, our children all around us, loving and honoring Him together, everyone trying their best to please.  Our Savior deserves no less -- and we should expect no less of ourselves and our children.

Helping Children Behave During Long, Boring, Hot August

One thing all parents know:  Boredom + Being Together Too Much = Bickering.

 No question about it, where two or more people (no matter how old they are) are stuck together in one place for too long -- with nothing to do -- there will be dissent and quarreling, whining and complaining, hate and discontent.  No kidding, summertime at home with all the children can be a challenge for Mom. It's a pity we can't just be gone away from home on holiday through the whole summer break, where everyone is happily distracted and having too much fun to be ornery. But there's a whole lot of time left to fill between holiday trips and outings -- and it's awkward time, when our ordinary-life routines are turned upside-down, children are thrown together who may not be used to seeing each other all day every day, and a lack of structure leaves everyone at loose ends, ready for bad moods.  By August, all summer novelty has worn off and the whole crew is ready to mutiny.
 

What's a mom to do?

Here's my answer:   DELEGATE!

Though a certain amount of planning on your part is important, don't fool yourself into thinking it's all up to you to keep everyone happy all summer long.  Unless your children are all still toddlers and infants (in which case this is a season of your life when you really do spend most of your time entertaining and caring for them), you can and should leave a good amount of their free time up to your children to organize.  You'll need to start them out with some rules and basic planning, but if you have children over the age of reason, the best summers are ones that they create for themselves!

Here are some things you can do to help them hold boredom at bay, keep their minds and bodies active, and make fun out of the long days of summer -- with a minimum of arguing amongst them:

* Have plenty of resources available for all ages: craft and art supplies, board games, balls, jumpropes, etc
.  Make a space for everything -- and require that they be replaced to that space when no longer in use.  Be clear about who has to replace them and by what time.  If you leave a question, the children won't generally go to the trouble to find out what you expect -- and nothing will be cleaned up.  Or the blame game will start -- and heaven knows, we want to avoid that!

*  Pull out a stack of special summer reading -- either from books you already have, or borrowed from the library.  Maybe even set aside special blocks of time just for reading.  Set the scene for comfort with quiet music everyone likes, comfy pillows, and maybe even clean-finger snacks to nibble on while reading.  Choose special read-alouds for summer.  (*We love Mark Twain for summer reading, as well as pirate classics, like Treasure Island.  We've also enjoyed some of the classic series over summertime,  such as the Narnia tales and the Lord of the Rings.)

* Make a list of ideas for simple activities for the children (and yourself!) to draw from, so no one can say they can't think of something to do! Write several ideas on a white board or chalk board or make a small index card file with ideas -- or queue up a website with summer fun ideas!  Like this one.  Make sure there are an equal number of indoor and outdoor things that they can safely do/play on their own.

* Make rules about television and movie viewing.  Too much of "the tube" makes for cranky kids! Block off the times of day you will allow it and make rules about who gets to choose what to watch, when.  Our general rule is that anyone who gets up before 8 a.m. can watch one of a handful of Netflix shows that have been okayed.  Then, with permission, they're allowed to watch a documentary in the middle of the afternoon when it's hottest outdoors -- and we all watch a movie or program together a few evenings a week, as Mom and Dad decide. (Mythbusters is our favorite, but we also really like the old John Waynes and other classic movies.)

*  Have healthy snacks and drinks available.  Make specific times that the children are allowed to snack.
 Make specific rules about who cleans up, when.  (I know I repeat the "specific rules" thing a lot - but, if you want to avoid arguments and misunderstandings, it's super important to make sure everyone understands what you expect!)

* Make rules about where and when toys may be dragged out to be played with -- and when they need to be put away and by whom.  For instance, we have a craft table that our little boys are permitted to build their elaborate block or Leggo structures on, and they're allowed to leave those toys on that table indefinitely, but they're not allowed to build with them anywhere else in the main living space.(Their bedroom is always free to play in, but has to be cleaned up entirely at least once a week.)  Any other toys the children get out, they have to put away as soon as they've finished playing with them.  Everyone is expected to respect the play structure or game that is in progress amongst any other children in the house.

*  Teach them to organize their own activities. Since we have three older daughters at home (between the ages of 11 and 15), we utilize and nuture their abilities by expecting them to take on roles as assistant "cruise

directors."  On days of the week, when the "sailors" seem especially restless, I'll assign each of the girls an afternoon job.  One will be the P.E. instructor, responsible for finding a game or task that works out everyone physically; another will be in charge of finding and running a "brain game" of some sort to exercise their minds; the third will have to come up with some kind of creative activity, arranging and explaining some kind of art or craft for everyone.  By the time everyone has completed each of their activities, the afternoon has passed with something to show for the time.

This idea can be broken up so that the children only do one activity each day: PE on Monday, Brain Games on Wednesday, Arts and Crafts on Friday, for instance.  Mom or Dad or a teenage sibling may need to help with some of the initiating of ideas, and rules concerning authority need to be made very clear, but it's an excellent learning tool for everyone, teaching organization and leadership for the assistant cruise directors, as well as cooperation amongst the siblings who should be obeying their instructions.  Make sure,too, that everyone is clear on how clean-up must be accomplished!  And reward a successful afternoon of sibling directed activities with a treat!  (Popsicle are always popular here!)

*  A few ideas for some more cheap or free fun stuff to do here...  And, of course, if you'd like to scroll 31 Days of Fun, you might find a few projects to keep everyone busy and happy.
back through our

*  Last, but not least -- and perhaps, most importantly --  provide plenty of time for free play for your kids.    Scientists have proven what children have known from the beginning: parent-free play time is good for them.  Free play is necessary not just for healthy bodies, but for healthy brains!  Read  about it here.

Happy Feast of St. Nicholas!

(Repost from December 6, 2007)

From Advent Customs by Sr. Mary Laetitia, R.S.M.
Nihil Obstat: J. Gerald Kealy, D.D.
Imprimatur: Samuel Cardinal Stritch
Chicago, November 22, 1955

If we want to "Put Christ Back Into Christmas" we must return to the traditional ideas of the Church. Christmas, if it is to be primarily a holy day, and not a commercial holiday, must be essentially a religious feast. All the festivities of the season accent it spiritually and our Advent celebration must not smother its spiritual flavor.

Early in Advent on December 6th, the Church rejoices on the feast of St. Nicholas. This day is always a favorite with children. Gifts are in place, and their giving offers parents an opportunity to tell the little ones about the charity of the saint. Such small gifts as candy, nuts, or a bright toy, will remind them of the Gift Christ gives us each Christmas.

So, now,

"I can't disagree with what she said, but awwww, geeeee..."

I think it's an automatic reaction for some to see those words "must be essentially a religious feast" and start to feel like they're being smothered. Don't those words "religious feast" mean we must be serious and formal and prim? We feel deprived. Like a kid whose pea shooter's been taken away at recess time. Everyone else gets to play! It's not fair! Not letting us have any fun...

But, is it really not supposed to be fun?

Don't let the devil and the saecular world put their mud-colored haze over the truth. The wisdom of the Church always provides. God knows we're a bunch of kids at heart! Didn't He tell us He wanted us to become as little children? Now, of course that doesn't mean we're supposed to be irresponsible whining little brats. But, we should have a spirit of joy, and be carefree in His love and care for us! Isn't that what hope is? What faith is? What charity is?

The Church doesn't expect us to behave in Advent as if it's Lent. I like to explain it to my children this way:

When you are pregnant with a child (and, boy, do I know about this!), you are filled with anticipation of the joy of bringing a new child into the world. Anticipation of the joy. Which is a very, very close relative to the joy itself.

But, mostly, you are just getting ready. These last four weeks before the birth of The Baby, our dear Blessed Mother was preparing the best she could. She was anticipating. She was so looking forward to meeting her very, very special little Son. But, she was not opening the champaigne yet (so to speak).

When the baby is here safely, THEN you party.

I don't know if you know this, but in the Jewish culture, it was the custom (to this day even in orthodox Jewish families) to not speak the child's name, or even really speak of the child, until after it was born! I wonder if it was so with the Mother of God? She knew His name, but may never have spoken it until it was officially given to Him on the Circumcision! (Oh, what a blessed day in the universe, the day His Name was first spoken!)

So, we're not sad during Advent. We're spending our time preparing our homes and hearts and holding on to our best JOY for the big day. The day of His birth
.

When a great feast comes along, like the Feast of St. Nicholas, the patron saint of children, of course we celebrate! But, we celebrate with an understanding of who St. Nicholas was, and how his example can help us find our way to Heaven, too! We put candy and presents in the children's shoes, have special cakes and cookies, sing songs, and decorate for the day, all the while keeping in mind that it is "essentially a religious feast."

Tomorrow morning the kids 'll have their goodies in their shoes to commemorate the generosity of St. Nicholas, and I will personally be having some rum of Christian generosity in my eggnog tomorrow night. How about you?

(For everything in the world about St. Nicholas, from history to recipes and coloring pages, go here.)

* Note From 2010:  Thanks to a late-night run to W-mart tonight, St. Nicholas was able to make his appointed rounds at our house.  The children were warned at bedtime that they might as well not bother about putting out their shoes -- beause Mommy  St. Nick has been pretty distracted lately with this and that  and the other and may not be able to be by with goodies....  So they'll be in for a big surprise in the morning!  :)   (It's so much fun messing with them!)

The Feast of St. Nicholas

From Advent Customs by Sr. Mary Laetitia, R.S.M.
Nihil Obstat: J. Gerald Kealy, D.D.
Imprimatur: Samuel Cardinal Stritch
Chicago, November 22, 1955

If we want to "Put Christ Back Into Christmas" we must return to the traditional ideas of the Church. Christmas, if it is to be primarily a holy day, and not a commercial holiday, must be essentially a religious feast. All the festivities of the season accent it spiritually and our Advent celebration must not smother its spiritual flavor.

Early in Advent on December 6th, the Church rejoices on the feast of St. Nicholas. This day is always a favorite with children. Gifts are in place, and their giving offers parents an opportunity to tell the little ones about the charity of the saint. Such small gifts as candy, nuts, or a bright toy, will remind them of the Gift Christ gives us each Christmas.

So, now....

I can't disagree with what she said, but awwww, geeeee...

I think it's an automatic reaction for some to see those words "must be essentially a religious feast" and start to feel like they're being smothered. Don't those words "religious feast" mean we must be serious and formal and prim? We feel deprived. Like a kid who's only allowed to use the online encyclopedia and isn't allowed to play games.

Everyone else gets to play! It's not fair! Not letting us have any fun...

But, is Christmas time -- is life -- really not supposed to be fun?

Of course we're allowed to have fun!  There's a time for being serious, of course, and things that must be taken seriously, but  don't let the devil and the saecular world muddy up truth. The wisdom of the Church always provides.  And God knows we're a bunch of kids at heart! Didn't He tell us He wanted us to become as little children? Now, of course that doesn't mean we're supposed to be brats. But, we should have a spirit of joy, and be carefree in His love and care for us! Isn't that what hope is? What faith is? What charity is?

And of course the Church doesn't expect us to behave in Advent as if it's Lent. I like to explain it to my children this way:

When you are pregnant with a child (and, boy, do I know about this!), you are filled with anticipation of the joy of bringing a new child into the world. Anticipation of the joy. Which is a very, very close relative to the joy itself.

But, mostly, you are just getting ready. These last four weeks before the birth of The Baby, our dearest Blessed Mother was preparing the best she could. She was anticipating. She was so looking forward to meeting her very, very special little Son. But, she was not opening the champaigne yet (so to speak).

When the baby is here safely, THEN you party.

I don't know if you know this, but in the Jewish culture, it was the custom (to this day in orthodox Jewish families) to not speak the child's name, or even really speak of the child, until after it is born! I wonder if it was so with the Mother of God? She knew His name, but may never have spoken it until it was officially given to Him on the Circumcision! (Oh, what a blessed day in the universe, the day His Name was first spoken!)

So, we're not sad during Advent. We're spending our time preparing our homes and hearts and holding on to our best JOY for the big day. The day of His birth.

When a great feast comes along, like the Feast of St. Nicholas, the patron saint of children, of course we celebrate! But, we celebrate with an understanding of who St. Nicholas was, and how his example can help us find our way to Heaven, too! We put candy and presents in the children's shoes, have special cakes and cookies, sing songs, and decorate for the day, all while keeping in mind that it is "essentially a religious feast."

Tomorrow morning the kids 'll have their goodies in their shoes to commemorate the generosity of St. Nicholas, but I will personally be having some rum of Christian generosity in my eggnog tomorrow night. How about you?

(For everything in the world about St. Nicholas, from history to recipes and coloring pages, go here.)

* Repost, 2007

A Simple Woman Monday

It's been so much fun reading all the entries of this Daybook, I had to play along! This lovely idea originated at Peggy's place, The Simple Woman.

Outside my Window... Our son Dominic (14), who arrived with the first wave of our Omaha contingent playing on the slide and monkey bars with his little brothers and sisters, with Bella, the dog, running around with a big smile on her face, trying to join in on the fun.

Say "cheese," Bella!

I am thinking... I have work to do, but it can wait. I want to enjoy my children today.

I am thankful for... This gorgeous, cool, sunny morning; the start of summer because my children will all be home ~ every one of them, including our oldest son, Paul, and his girlfriend Nicole (who will be coming to spend time with us before Paul heads off to Marine's Officer Training School in Virginia for the summer); Dominic, who started off the morning by saying "When does the work begin?"

From the kitchen... Ramping up to feed the teenagers. Thinking casseroles, tacos, vats of Italian, pasta dishes... Spaghetti tonight.

I am creating... The finishing touches on my own little room/art studio!

I am going... to the bank ~ and now that wonderful Dominic is home, he can watch the Littles, so I don't have to load them all up and take them with me. WAHOO!!


I am wearing... a black tee, a long gypsy skirt in swirly, flowery patterns of black, brown, green and white, brown sandals...

I am reading... Crocodile on the Sandbank, by Elizabeth Peters, The Rosary, by Garry Willis (Though, I have some problems with this book, I'm giving it the benefit of the doubt for a couple more chapters...), bits and pieces of the June Reader's Digest, and I'm trying to work through Inkheart, by Cornelia Funk, to OK it for my twelve-year old to read. Has anyone out there read this one?

I am hoping... the second half of our Omaha contingent ~ Kevvy (19), Jon (17), and Michelle(12) ~ gets here safe and sound and before dinner tonight.

I am hearing... The radio left on in my little room... the grain elevators making some strange sound in the distance... Dominic telling Bella to behave herself... Gabe giggling...

Around the house... Laundry, laundry, laundry. And did I say laundry?

One of my favorite things... The feeling of an unhurried summer stretching out before me.

Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week... Take the children to see Prince Caspian, check out the suitability of Indiana Jones and the Kindgdom of the Crystal Skull with my husband before taking the children. (Isn't that a great excuse for a date night?) Get the garden going, finally!

Here is a picture thought I am sharing for you...

Here's the project Dominic decided to tackle: burying the recently repaired hydrant. Look at all the willing helpers! Now let's hope this gung-ho attitude survives the first week or two of summer...

Here's what Cathy got from the project. She and Anna have been on a bug-collection kick these days ~ and, let me tell you, there're plenty of bugs here to discover, label and observe! But worms seem to be the big prize, for some reason. Such dainty girls we have.

Celebrating the Liturgical Year: Holy Week

The last three days of this week -- Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, and Holy Saturday -- are known as the Sacred Triduum and comprise the core  of Holy Week, the most solemn week of the liturgical year, following the last days of Christ, from Judas' machinations prior to the Last Supper, on through the Passion, death, and finally, the great feast of the Resurrection on Sunday. 

T0day, specifically, Wednesday of Holy Week, is traditionally called Holy Wednesday or Spy Wednesday, commemorates Judas' spying of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, before giving Him the kiss of betrayal the next day.

So called because today marks the day in the life of Christ that Judas bargained to become the spy of the Sanhedrin, the Church celebrates the Tenebrae service, the remote beginning, actually, of the Sacred Triduum.

From Fisheaters:

Today and during the Sacred Triduum, the Matins and Lauds of the Divine Office are often sung in a haunting service known as the Tenebrae service ("tenebrae" meaning "shadows"), which is basically a funeral service for Jesus. During the Matins on Good Friday, one by one, the candles are extinguished in the Church, leaving the congregation in total darkness, and in a silence that is punctuated by the strepitus meant to evoke the convulsion of nature at the death of Christ. It has also been described as the sound of the tomb door closing. During the Triduum, the Matins and Lauds readings come from the following day's readings each night because the hours of Matins and Lauds were pushed back so that the public might better participate during these special three days (i.e., the Matins and Lauds readings heard at Spy Wednesday's tenebrae service are those for Maundy Thursday, the readings for Maundy Thursday's tenebrae service are from Good Friday, and Good Friday's readings are from Holy Saturday's Divine Office).

For the record, here's our Holy Week routine (then and now):

Spy Wednesday

*Spring cleaning:
Remove all the extraneous decorations around our statues, take down any winter decorations, including the Palm Sunday picture we hung on Sunday. Take our winter blankets off the backs of our couches; clean out the wood stove and store the wood basket until next fall. Sweep, mop, clean the windows, etc.

* Pretzel making (see below)

Tomorrow: MaundyThursday

*We'll finish up the cleaning

*We have our supper between 2 and 3 pm to accommodate fasting for Maundy Thursday Mass later this evening.

* We have morphed over the years from having a traditional lamb and herbed potatoes dinner to a new family tradition these last ten years ago: lamb(beef) curry (which everyone just likes better than lamb) and our own hot cross buns (a non-sweet version) -- and wine.

An adaptation of Maria Von Trapp's Austrian tradition, we serve everyone at the dinner table a glass of wine (or Sprite with a drop of wine) and by Dan's plate we place a basket of hot cross buns (actually in our house they are old-fashioned rolls with a cross cut into the top before baking). After we pray grace, Dan makes the sign of the cross over each bun and hands it down the line until each member of the family has one. Then we eat our rolls and drink our wine while Dan reads the Gospel of the Last Supper. After which we dig into the rest of the meal. Then all attend Mass in the evening, after which everyone who can will take turns at all night adoration.

Good Friday

Friday is a quiet day. As much as we are able, we speak in quiet voices and as little as possible, in memory of the solemn events in Christ's life on this most solemn of days. We used to take turns each year, Dan and I, one of us getting to go to the Tres Ore (three hours of prayer conducted by our pastor between noon and 3 pm) at church, while the other stayed home with the Littles -- with their own little version of a holy hour. When everyone is home, we'll have the remainder of the Hot Cross buns with a simple clear broth vegetable soup that the staying-home parent will have prepared. Then we'll watch The Passion. 

Holy Week is much much easier these days with all grown children! Dan and I get to participate in all the services without juggling youngin's. Woohoo! But. Oddly, enough -- and I never thought I'd say it -- I do miss all the activity and preparation and teaching that was involved in the week. Few times during the year allow for such concentrated passing along of the spirit of our Faith. Now that we have Dominic and Monica on-sight (living upstairs), we'll get a little taste of that, though, with their little girls. Maybe just the right amount of a finger still in the pie! (God is good, isn't He?)

Holy Saturday

This is always another day of preparation for us, a bit less solemn than the preceding days of Holy Week, though, as we take down the purple coverings from our statues and pictures and begin decorating the house for Easter. Sometimes we watch Jesus of Nazareth while we work on this day -- or park the Littles down to watch it to keep them out from under foot (Yep. I admit it. But what a great distraction, huh?) We  wait until this day to bring out our spring wreaths for the doors and take our lawn furniture out of the barn, and  deck out Our Lady's niches -- indoor and out -- with flowers and ribbons. If we have Littles around, we make sure everyone's bathed and hair washed by bedtime. Well ahead of time, we get out everyone's Easter clothes and make sure they're pressed and ready to go for Easter Mass. This is Easter Egg coloring day, too (usually supervised by an older sibling) and any remote prep like baking goodies is done on Holy Saturday.

* Then we attend the 10:30 Paschal Vigil -- many of our gang arriving quite early for choir practice.

Easter Sunday

 ...begins for us at midnight with Midnight Mass, following the Paschal Vigil,

* In years past, Dan and I would split Masses, only bringing children who were fairly guaranteed to behave for midnight Mass. When we were especially blessed, my sister (Thank you, sis!) stayed overnight and held down the fort with the Littles while we Bigs attended the Paschal Vigil and Midnight Mass; then she took the "big-enough" Littles with her to morning Mass.

* When we got back from midnight Mass, Dan and I would lay out all the Easter goodies and decorate the dining room table, with a place set for each child with their own special treats. And then,  at long last, bedtime for us...

* ...and God willing, the children would let us sleep in! It's such a blessing nowadays having so much less to have to accomplish for such a large gang. We do get more sleep. But, then again, it's so sad nowadays having so much less to have to accomplish for such a large gang. Bear with me while I say once more: don't miss a minute of it. Appreciate every little baby temper tantrum along with every big happy Easter smile over finding a colored egg. They grow up so fast! And there is so much joy in teaching the children the joy of this season. The long climb up through Lent and the victorious arrival at the Ascension of Our Lord is harder maybe with a house full of children, but the rewards are commensurately greater, too! 

NEXT WEEK

Tons of updates and pictures to add to the time capsule here at AWTY.  Shots of the grandbabies -- Fr. P helping out with Tenebrae -- the finished upstairs project -- the new RV -- the flowers blooming all over the property... Stay tuned!

 

We Can't Go Back... Or Can We?

We've been reading the Little House on the Prairie series this year, the girls and I. It's hard not to get caught up in the simplicity of it. The Ingalls family worked hard, played hard, prayed hard. They appreciated the little they had with an intensity almost difficult to comprehend in our day; we have so much and complain about all of it. Even about the fact that we feel guilty for having so much. If we can only get "off the grid," if we can only buy and eat all-natural products, if we can only pare down to the bare essentials like the pioneers, we just might be able to get back to that beautiful simplicity.

But is the simplicity we're looking for a cause or an effect?

And are we missing the forest for the trees?

Almost all of my growing up years, I was a voracious reader, and loved, most of all, to get lost in historical fiction. Next to the romance, honor and beauty of olden days, modern times always seemed drab, coarse, and ugly, and I wished there were some kind of time machine that could transport me back. I would even have risked the lack of penicillin and television for a chance!

Just to get to wear the dresses!

Even now, I wish some afternoon digging around in our cluttered barn I could stumble across a time machine. Sure, I'd seriously think of squeezing the whole family in and transporting back in time. But, not so much for the dresses and romance. Not even so much for the simple, honest way of doing things, as for the ethic that drove the world back then.


Now, I know full well that life wasn't perfect in the olden days; evil has always and will always exist. Life was hard back then, and very fragile. But, there was a certain standard of behaviour that was the norm in the Christian world up until about fifty years ago that we've lost. Women knew what it meant to be ladylike, even if they didn't behave that way. Even the roughest men knew what it meant to be a gentleman. Hard work was honored. Before mass media confused the issue and brought the world onto our desktops, people, in general, had a better instinctive understanding of their place in the universe. Christ was still King and He held court in the living rooms and hearts of families, from where He ruled the world.

That's where our world needs to find its identity again and save itself. The idea of rediscovering the simplicity of another time through homesteading or living "green" is a worthy cause, but that alone will not take us back to a better time. The more lasting and genuine accomplishment can only come as a byproduct of a greater goal.

Isn't it really that old fashioned work ethic we want? Don't we really want to see a return of personal responsibility and genuine courtesy? I know I want the world to just be a nicer place. None of these things comes from paring down our belongings. These things come from Christ's rule over our hearts.

~~~

Our families are the Church in miniature; they are the world in miniature. In the same way that we should never allow the worldly media to control the heart of our homes, we should never accept that the various world governments have a claim on our families. It is not only our right, but our responsibility to raise our families under the dominion of Christ the King. All other authority is secondary to His.

And parents have no greater duty than to educate their children in an environment that kneels before this kingship of the Blessed Trinity.

Over a hundred years ago, Laura Ingalls Wilder counseled the children at the end of her first teaching job to be grateful for the education they received through public schooling, but to remember that their education lay in their own hands. Abraham Lincoln was home educated and they had every opportunity that he had at their disposal to learn from home as well. It was an option that was taken for granted. Families took it upon themselves to see to their children's upbringing, and chose the methods of education they saw as best.

Today, in many places, that same option is denied families. In fact, California is on the verge right now of outlawing homeschooling. And in doing so, they deny the primacy of the family and inhibit the religious freedom of the families who live there. It's a sad time that such a thing could happen in our country.

I wish we could go back to a time where a move like this would be unthinkable.
I wish we could take the environmental movement and turn it into a re-election of Christ as King of America. Everything would be solved then.

Is it possible to effect this kind of change of heart in the world today?

Of course it is: "All things are possible to him that believes."

And this is how: "Ask and ye shall recieve: that your joy may be full."

They're still eight months away, and the airwaves are full of the U.S. presidential elections, but there is a more important campaign we need to obsess about as Catholics. We must fill the heavens with our prayers for Christ's rule in America.

This is the simple answer to all the complicated problems. And it's a way of going back and forward and upward all at the same time.

On the Feast of the Holy Guardian Angels

It's easy to gloss over the reality of our guardian angels.  Even as a Catholic mother, who depends on their help in the raising and protection of all my (scattered) children, I know I take our angels for granted.  I'm afraid I reduce them to little more than Victorian paintings in my mind most of the time. You know those paintings: two children teeter on a rickety bridge, protected from certain doom by a beautiful glowing vision in white with wings and a halo.  I love all the different versions of this image, and they certainly provide a good visual for the idea of a guardian, but there's a lot more to these appointed guardians of ours than can be explained in a painting.

Consider this about our angels:

People will come and go in our lives; they drift away from us for various reasons, they die. Our angels, however, are lifelong messengers from God.  That's the actual definition of angel, by the way: messenger.  And as messengers, or 'go-betweens,' our guardian angels bridge the mortal gap between us and heaven from the moment God appoints them to us at our conception+ to the moment they escort us to the heavenly gates -- should we make it there.

 Because there is that. The getting to heaven thing.

 It's our angel's one and only purpose during all our lives to care for us and look out for our true eternal good.  Though they do, indeed, protect us physically at times as the old paintings illustrate, their first priority is the good of our souls. Angels have a one-track mind fixed on the heavenly gate. As Our Lord, Himself, tells us, See that you despise not one of these little ones: for I say to you, that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father who is in heaven. (Matthew, 18:10)   We know that, with God always in their line of vision,  even though our focus wanders, our angels' doesn't.  Ever.  Their every influence leads us (sometimes drags us) toward our eternal salvation.  Our angels are never distracted by earthly worries or pursuits; they are incapable of selfishness; they have no concern for any soul but our very own; and they never ever leave our side.   In good times or in bad.



No mistake; our angels aren't on holiday when bad things happen to us.  We may not want to admit it,but it's usually our own stupidity or lack of attention to the warnings of our angels  that lead us into trouble  But, sometimes, when it's to our spiritual benefit to suffer bodily or materially, our angels can't deliver us from crosses. And they wouldn't if they could. Our souls, not our bodies, are their priority.  A mortal sin is a catastrophe to them -- more so than a train wreck would be to us. They see the reality of our eternity more clearly than we see the reality of our earthly life. If we fall into the death of mortal sin, our heavenly Guardians won't rest until our souls are resuscitated and they can see the face of God in us again. They'll do whatever it takes. Whatever means of persuasion they can use on our souls and consciences -- or even our bodies -- they'll do it, under the Will of God.  We ignore their voice in our nagging consciences at our own eternal peril.  But, good luck ignoring your angel! They know exactly how to get at us.

Because our angels' attention, understanding, and intuition are perfect and because they're always with us, our angels know us better than any other being besides our Heavenly Father. They know us better than our parents, better than our spouses, better than our BFF, better, even, than we know ourselves.   It's God's charge to them to know and understand the way we tick in order to use that knowledge to guide us to Heaven. Even when we lose track of the goal, our Guardian Angels pull with everything they've got to get us to eternal happiness.  No person in our lives keeps our personal welfare their uppermost focus -- without distraction -- throughout our entire lives.  No one prays harder for us, works more endlessly for us, or loves us better.  Our angels are our truest friends, our best advisers, our most loyal and dependable companions.  We owe them everything and they ask us nothing -- except to behave ourselves and get ourselves to heaven.

"He hath given his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways." (Ps.90:11)

*  Our charge to the children -- and to ourselves -- on this great feast of our Guardian Angels:  God's messengers to us, our angels, are pure spirits.  Since angels have no bodies, it's easy to forget they really are with us -- though invisibly -- at all times.  But they are very, very real.  The more we pray to them, the more we'll be aware of their presence, and the harder it'll be to do anything to disappoint them.  Learn to listen for the voice of your angel; ask your angel's help in even the smallest task during the day; greet your angel every chance you get; give God daily thanks for the loving attention of such a loyal guardian. Honor your angel every day -- but especially today on the feast of our Holy Guardian Angels!

*  Links to posts on the Holy Guardian Angels, with links, activities, and personal stories: here and  here, some coloring page links here,  craft ideas here at Catholic Icing, and some feast day ideas from Shower of Roses here.

*  Our feast day plans include some feasting!  We're getting ready to cook up some goodies for the day, including:  Angel hair pasta in white sauce (with chicken), and made-from-scratch (for the first time!)  Angel food cake.  We'll see how that comes out!

Good Angels, please pray for us, intercede for us --

 and most of all, be patient with us!

+  There is actually debate over when we receive our angel.  It is, in point of fact, not actually known whether they are appointed to us at conception or at the moment of our birth, with our mother's angel taking charge of us in the womb.  It's a moot point, though, really -- since we know that we are always covered.  It is, however, definitely known and a dogma of the faith that angels do exist and are interactive between God and man.