Saturday, December 4, 2010

Lisa's Pre-New-Year's-Resolution Guide to Looking Skinny Even When You're Not

1.  Stand very tall.  Think skinny and long, and in the Mind Over Matter philosophy, you will be thin and tall. Mind over matter. If you believe it hard enough, it just may happen.  (No, really!)   Picture the top of your head moving upward to the sky, pulling and thinning the body beneath it, like a little round piece of chewing gum being stretched.  Or like taffy.  Or a tootsie roll.  Or a strand of spaghetti pulled off a plate -- No, forget the spaghetti; that's just weird.  Go back to taffy.

2.  Think Vertical. As per #1, vertical means "skinny."  You've never seen a fat-looking zebra, have you?  Well, then.  Wear vertical stripes somewhere on every outfit.  Drape long winter scarves over your shoulders.   Wear gaudy sweaters over white shirts, but leave the sweater unbuttoned so it will look like you're only as wide as the white shirt that shows in the middle.
Conversely, never, ever, ever wear round-about stripes!  Don't even let your children wrap their arms around you in public.

3. On the other hand, do use your children and husband as props. One child in front of each hip does wonders to hide the chocolate coffee creamer you've been drinking all Advent. And tucking half yourself behind your husband makes it look like you're one of those schmaltzy, cozy couples; nobody needs to know that you're using your honey for camouflage.

Illustration: If she had just pulled her son around to the other hip, this woman could have lost another twenty to thirty pounds visually.
4. If you can't hide, however, Distract.  Wear jingle bell earrings -- or snowmen, or candy canes, or six-inch long sparkly earrings -- anything to draw attention from your midsection and up to your ear lobes.  Everyone has skinny earlobes.

5.  Give off the illusion that you are completely comfortable with your weight.  A confident, happy woman with a healthy self-image overcomes any weight issues.  Make it seem as if dieting is the last thing on your mind; you have more important things to take care of, certainly, and the world should not think that vanity is more important to you than happiness, right?  Be the jolly party-goer!  Chocolate Fudge?  Why not?  Hot Buttered Rum?  Go for it! The New Year will be here before we know it.  Then everyone can be miserable, dieting together.  But, it's the Christmas season now!  Hide those pounds behind your Christmas Spirit!

* I toast my fellow plump revelers with eggnog in my coffee this morning!  Cheers!  Today we justify, tomorrow we die-t.


GrandmaK said...

Sell done! I'm sitting up straight even as we speak! Can you tell the difference? Have a wonderful day! Cathy

Anne said...

You are way too funny! And, I must say, you look dang good for a lady who's had so many kidlets!