What To Do if You Have Insomnia

1. Decide to say the rosary and make a deal with your guardian angel to finish it for you when you fall asleep. Finish the rosary (all fifteen decades), the litany of Our Lady, the extended version of your Godblesses, the Pledge of Allegiance and the Star Spangled Banner. Get a raincheck from your angel.

2. Go downstairs and get a mug of hot milk from the kitchen. Go back to bed and think about how many calories were probably in that milk. Go over everything you ate that day, including the chocolate chips you stole from the pantry when nobody was looking. Remember how you were going to lose weight before your birthday. Your birthday is only 12 days away. Start thinking about how you're going to be both fat and old. Slap yourself mentally for your lack of will power. Now you're even more mentally awake.

3. Roll over and try to get more comfortable. Rearrange your pillows. Start relaxing every muscle in your body, starting from your feet and going up, like they taught you in Lamaze class so many years ago with your first baby. Start thinking about that first little baby, how he's a grown up man now. Start thinking about him getting married before you know it and having babies of his own. Now you're really awake. Start praying again.

4. Turn on the bird and flute music very quietly on the cd player near the bed. Start thinking that this is not your cd player and whose is it actually? Shake yourself and try to concentrate on the birds. Thinking about the birds... You always wanted a bird. Remember that African Grey Parrot you met and how it asked you if you were talking about him when you were. Start thinking about how people must really think you're some kind of loon, and probably talk about you behind your back. Sit up and fix your ponytail and realize you must be having delerious delusions of paranoia... Or not...

5. Think about going downstairs to watch Blue's Clues, as that is bound to put you to sleep. Decide against it, as the sound of it is bound to penetrate the sleeping brains of the little ones and wake them up.

6. Listen very carefully to see if you can hear any of the children snoring. Get up to check on all of them. They're all peacefully asleep. Probably dreaming of getting up early for Rice Krispies and bananas. And you're going to be exhausted because you've been up all night.

7. Go downstairs and sit down at the computer to write a post on your blog about insomnia and start to get sleepy. Drape your arm over the chair next to the computer and