Pride of the Proboscis

I grew up with everybody picking on my nose. It started with my Dad, who called me "Goose," both because I was silly and because I had such a good honker. And then of course, my siblings picked up on the fun, particularly my older brother, Steve -- a case of the pot calling the kettle black, as he's got a more impressive schnozzola than I do. It was all in jest, though, and I can honestly say it never hurt my feelings. Teasing in my family is a sign of affection. You often find that in big families, for good or bad: to be the butt of jokes is to be the center of attention. And, let's be honest, when you're one among the teeming masses, that's a commodity. If it's not mean-spirited, most sibs love it. Or they at least tolerate it as a right of passage. It's a strange sort of bonding thing. You tease me about my nose, I tease you about your prehensile toes. It's all in fun. And nothing more than side dressing for the love and respect we all have for one another.

For me, a nose joke is a badge of honor. You see, in our particular family the generously proportioned nose is an inheritance from our much loved and respected Irish grandfather. Call it what you may, we know it's the Grand Gillikin nose and we're proud of it. My brother, Steve, has a good one. Mine is a somewhat smaller version, but still admirable. My sisters, though (poor things) ended up with tiny, cute little noses like our mother.

In my own family the children have gotten a double dose of nose-ness from both sides. (Dan's snoot is no slouch or I wouldn't have married him.) Though all the girls appear to have been chinched, we do have four sons so far, the proud owners of cathedral size olfactory organs. And among these, Kevin, who most resembles our Irish forefathers, has the proudest proboscis. It's a honey.

It is for this reason that I taught him as a boy the Ode to a Nose poem that he referenced the other day. It was important that he understand his proud inheritance. Noses like ours are Mountains among molehills.

Here's the whole poem:

Ode to a Nose

Oh knows he that never took a pinch,
Knows he the pleasure thence which flows,

Knows he the titillating joys that my nose knows?

Oh, nose, I am as proud of thee as any mountain of its snows.

I gaze on thee and feel the pride a Roman knows!

Some favorite nose jokes:

One I've heard myself: Face the camera so we can get your whole nose in the shot!

The best from Roxanne (the most recent movie we cannot endorse, btw, but which does have some funny moments):

* Obvious: Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face.

* Meteorological: Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.

* Fashionable: You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger. Like ... Wyoming.

* Punctual: Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen minutes late.

* Philosophical: You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important. It's what's in it that matters.

* Humorous: Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and it's goodbye Seattle.

* Complimentary: You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on.

* Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides.

* Obscure: Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone.

* Aromatic: It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee ... in Brazil.