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| John and Abigail Adams |
“Human nature with all its infirmities and depravation is still capable of great things. It should be your care, therefore, and mine, to elevate the minds of our children and exalt their courage; to accelerate and animate their industry and activity; to excite in them an habitual contempt of meanness, abhorrence of injustice and inhumanity, and an ambition to a excel in every capacity, faculty, and virtue. . . . But their bodies must be hardened, as well as their souls exalted. Without strength and activity and vigor of body, the brightest mental excellencies will be eclipsed and obscured.”
-- -- John Adams in a letter to his wife, Abigail
Sounds good, huh? Bravo!
But, here's the thing about John Adams' theories. It seems the second president of the United States of America had a pretty good understanding of child raising and the building of character, in general, but, for all that, his children didn't turn out especially well. 😪Two daughters of the Adams' six children didn't survive past two years old, a tragic fact of the times. (God willing they were baptised, but this wasn't common in protestant families, then as now.) But John and Abigail did raise four other children, and one standout child, John Quincy Adams -- who seems to have been a stable, intelligent man of honor and integrity, who, incidentally, became the sixth president of the United States.( One good on ya, John and Abigail!)
Their daughter, Abigail Amelia ("Nabby") their first child, seems to have been a good person, too, but incidents of her marriage were disastrous, her husband's poor political choices pretty much ruining their family. (We can give John and Abbigail points for Nabby -- though her choice of husband may not have been great.) The other two surviving sons of the Adams', however --- were train wrecks -- both alcoholics, neck deep in scandal; they both died young. Proof that intentions don't make good paving stones.
You just have to ask: Where did John and Abigail go wrong? it seems they had some pretty positive factors in their favor, right? They had a strong marriage, fair economic success, basic good morality, education, and intelligence; the children were given plenty of connections and opportunity to do well in the world, and had parents who seemed to have a grasp of good parenting philosophy... What went awry?
It's impossible to know for sure, but in this case, I think we have some pretty good indications. At least this is what I think: John Adams was never home. One reason we know so much about the close and affectionate nature of John and Abigail's relationship is because we have 1,160 surviving letters between them -- the chief communication of their 50 year marriage. They were rarely in the same zip code. No question about it, John was out and about doing important things: founding a country, acting as chief diplomat to France, leading the country in the presidency, hobnobbing with royalty and rowdies; doing good for the world and the country in a generakl way, we might conclude.... But the man did not raise his children. That was the sacrifice. He took John Q to France with him -- which may be why John Q turned out OK... but the rest of the children grew up barely knowing their father. It doesn't take a pretty big jump to reach the conclusion that the boys, in particular, suffered from this vacuum in their lives.
His wife, Abigail was a remarkable woman who obviously did her best, understanding the homeric efforts of her husband. She "held down the fort" at home for decades, was a loving mother and a good manager, as far as we can tell -- but, let's just say it out loud: she wasn't enough; boys need fathers.
We see in our world today mounds of rotten fruit fallen from fatherless families. I don't think I need to list the infamous fatherless sons who have contributed to the chaos of our society -- murderers, assassins, terrorists -- and a whole parade of characters with mental illnesses who have tried to impose their pitiful delusions upon the rest of the world.
Fatherhood is so important, God provides Himself as our supreme Father Figure, our example of merciful Justice; our model of just Mercy. Our call to discipline, measured control, diligence, careful attention, patience -- and.... well, all of it, of course: the perfection of all the virtues completely woven through with Love. He is the high goal for all Fathers.
Heaven knows, Divine Perfection is only found in the Divine; no man actually reaches God's zenith of Fatherhood! But he blesses his family by making the attempt -- and for prayerful humble Dads, Our Heavenly Father fills the gaps! A Father's very presence brings God into the picture of the family by setting up the proper hierarchy, the one chosen by God. Dad is the Head, Mom is the heart: each equally vital, but the man of the family is meant to lead. A son learns to navigate the world through the example of his father. He finds his identity in his father's approval and love. He finds his proper boundaries in his father's correction and discipline -- served with a side order of love. When these things are lacking, boys grow up with big black voids that they invariably fill inappropriately. We've all seen it. (This happens with girls, too, of course -- but the effects, I think, aren't as universally disastrous -- in particular if they have a Mother figure to pattern after.)
It's just a fact that boys require a Father Figure. They need mentors. Teachers. Some guy who will just kick their butts sometimes! God wires males this way! It's true that boys lacking good father figures can sometime s "pull it out in the end," but it's by the grace of God and their own success finding good mentors instead of bad ones that saves them. Because they will pattern themselves after someone. It's incumbent upon Mothers who, for whatever reason, don't have husbands who fit into this role to find good Catholic mentors for their sons. It will make or break them.
In families with good and pious Dads, adding other good Catholic role models in adolescence -- into young adulthood-- clinches the deal, so to speak. Finding respect and camaraderie with other good Catholic Father figures outside of the family helps young men set their Faith in stone. They understand Religion differently when it's a naturally held belief system outside the family circle -- and not "just something my crazy family does."
We've seen the truth of this so many times in our own experience observing families around us! And we learned the value of it ourselves, when our teenage boys went to Catholic summer camp and boarding school, where they made friends -- and were under the discipline of good, holy, manly -- and FUN priests and seminarians. It made all the difference in the world for them in owning the Faith individually. Catholicism became their own through the encouragement and example of other good men -- in addition to the lifelong example of their Dad.
Anyway... I'm rambling here. But this is something that's come up several times recently, and I thought that I ought to tap it out. Knowing, loving, and respecting their earthly Father -- or a reasonable substitute -- teaches young men (and women!) to know, love and respect their heavenly Fathers. It's as simple as that.
The Love Story of John and Abigail here. ❤️
The Fate of the Adams children here. 🫤
